Happy FIRST birthday week (MJ edition): Dear Mattew:

Dear Matthew,

Where has the year gone? It feels like just yesterday you were sleeping in the blue basinet next to the chair in the living room while life went on all around you. You were, for the most part, a relaxed infant and really only got fussy if you were hungry (haven’t changed much since). You would lay and soak it all in, especially big brother.

Now, when you have kids and look back at the pictures and stories of your first year of life, don’t be mad. Wait until you have multiple children and you will understand. I am that second child next to your Uncle Brent. Your Grammie had a hard time remembering details about me too. But I understand now.  I write this blog (albeit, less often that I would like but am going to put out best efforts in the coming year) to serve as a baby book or at least the resource to make a hard cover baby book one day. And hopefully to give you boys a glimpse into life when you were small.

For some reason, I have a hard time letting go of the idea that you are not an infant anymore. When you do something that has logic or purpose behind it or is physically challenging, it blows me away. I forget that you are starting to make sense of the world and to understand and manipulate what is going on all around you.

For 6 months (give or take) I worked during your first year, however, our lives are both about to change, as I am staying home full time as of now. I could not be more blessed and excited to get this opportunity. I look forward most to having more alone time with you. Although I cherish the time when all of us are together, John is having some struggles right now between sharing with you and helping you to grow up. He just wants to be able to play with you uninhibited by your lack of understanding and coordination. One day, my dears, one day too soon.

If I had to pick one word for your personality as of today, it would be relaxed. However, if you are hungry, WATCH OUT, as it literally comes to blows as you smack your mouth and my mouth with an open hand, which I think is your version of “eat” in sign language that we have been working on. You could hardly notice when John snatches things from you, as it has been happening all your life (although the last week or so, I think I see a change in this pattern). You will let anyone hold you, especially if I am not in the room. You never went through a separating anxiety phase. When you fall and get hurt, you fuss for a second, but then it is over. Your overall attitude is a little shorter, but even when you were/are teething I can hardly tell (outside the immense drool).

Your face and the expressions you have, make life worth living! Your favorite thing right now is to scrunch up your nose and squint your eyes. You do this to either make me laugh or it is the sign that you are trying to get worked up and mad about something, but it is not all that important to you. It makes me laugh EVERY time. The sad face you have when you really are upset about something could quite possibly be the most heart wrenching look I have ever seen. It feels like I can see your heart breaking and then the tears come, I kid you not, so sad! When you get mad or just want a little drama, you throw yourself on the floor face first and waller around a bit, every now and again you will tilt your head to the side with cheek on the floor to make sure I am looking. We ignore this one quite a bit and it stops as quick as it started. Another favorite is the “am I getting away with this” look. It is pretty blank for the most part, a very innocent look. I get this when you are headed for the unlocked gate at the stairs or reaching something on top of the table or climbing on something new, or thinking you have escaped out the front door (I let him do this when I get the mail). As you begin the “forbidden” task you pause and look back at me, almost to say “I am going to do it anyway, but I really want your permission first”. (side note: Grandparents that are freaking out right now about my parenting skills, I see all of these things and this in no way should freak you out. Your grandsons are safe)

It was hard to imagine having a second child and how we were going to share the love. However, it is so true and there is no better way to say than our hearts grew just for you. You have made this family and this world better just by being in it. I miss you when you sleep and look forward to that smiling face peeking over the crib every morning. You are my sunshine (my very early sunshine, but my sunshine none-the-less). The words “I love you” can not explain a parent’s love for a child, but know that you boys are forever on my heart and mind. KISS!